Okay, this time I seriously am going to start doing a “10 things” list every week. This one is what I would do if I were to rule the world.

  1. Create a device to move Earth a little bit more away from the sun. This is because I hate summer. I’d love to see the global warming political control freak conspirator liberals counter this argument.
  2. Legalize Gay Marriage. That’s right. I’ll make sure it gets legalized in my empire. However, gay divorce will not be legalized. That’s the ultimate punishment. On a related note, Rosie O’Donnell will be a toilet paper brand.
  3. Disarm Nuclear Weapons. This will be my primary goal towards peace. All nuclear weapons will be destroyed, above rebel nations.
  4. Make fossil fuels extinct. In my new empire, we will not use gas. We will make sure to get rid of it with Beano. The monopoly on gas by Middle Eastern territories will be destroyed when I introduce affordable ethanol from the Chinese farmlands. Electrical power will be primarily provided by huge electromagnets in the wake of the electromagnetic pulse created by my safe nuclear weapons detonation (see above). When this runs out, we will use hamsters and Red Bull.
  5. Corrupt the UN. Oh, wait, someone beat me.
  6. Terrorism. Jihadists will be given a shovel and tasked with finding that well. This will occupy them.
  7. Dogs will get the right to vote. It’s the only solution to the dog food scare. They’ll vote me into office.
  8. France. France will be disconnected from Europe and it’ll just float off somewhere, like in Dr. Doolittle.
  9. Capital. The capital of my empire will be in the mantle. Protesters stupid enough to believe this will simply melt. It’ll actually be in North Dakota.
  10. Canada. Canada will be renamed Mexico. Only people who understand will know why this is infinitively important.

(Actually half of this stuff isn’t true. First of all I wouldn’t legalize gay marriage. Last of all I wouldn’t legalize gay marriage.)